Why I hate working in retail

Okay, so it's been a long time since I've worked in retail. About 6 years maybe. I could probably write a book on working in retail, the cornerstone of which being that the customer is nearly always wrong. I didn't hate the shop itself, or even the people I worked with. Just everything else. ALLOW ME TO ILLUSTRATE:

Number One – The Customers

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. Where do I start? Working in a busy shopping centre I had the pleasure of meeting people from all walks of life ('pleasure' equal to shaving with a cheese grater). I don't know what level of hell coughed forth some of the monstrosities that came through that door – be it rudeness, arrogance, petulance or pure stupidity – you name it, they had it in heaps. Which they were more than happy to throw our way because shop assistants are worse than Hitler when you come back into the shop because the pasty, y'know the hot pasty that you asked 'Is it hot?' is too hot for you.

The worst was always when customers tried to get you to serve them when you're going on a break or leaving at the end of your shift, like so:

Screw that for a game of soldiers – I'm done for the day.

Another thing that always stuck in my mind was the customers that for whatever reason needed to bring something back to the store. They'd come lumbering towards the shop like a pink elephant on the horizon, holding their coffee out at arm's length and pointing accusingly at it like it's a bomb they've managed to disarm and now want to show everyone else.

-_-

People that held you personally accountable for stuff they didn't like was funny, too. I think i was once held complicit in an offending piece of cucumber that someone had dropped outside the shop which the next person had then proceeded to slip on quite hilariously. ("I could sue you!") I heard as she got back up. Could you really though? Good times.

Number Two – No rest for the wicked

Shifts. Anyone that has worked in retail (though not exclusively - pretty much anyone working odd hours) will understand the struggle when trying to balance an irregular working pattern with your life, especially if you have school or Uni to chuck in there too. For the last two years of 6^th form and the proceeding first two years of Uni I was there Monday-Friday and working the Saturday and Sunday. Yep, a 7 day week. Yet the mere idea of not being free on a weekend was too much for some of my friends to even comprehend. I might as well have been talking to them in German. Often I would get asked if I was free on a fairly regular basis at the weekend, despite me advising that I work during the day on weekends.

Friday night:

"Oh but can't you get it off?"

"Just because it's a weekend day doesn't mean it's some kind of cop-out where I can just saunter in and out of work willy nilly as and when I feel. So no."

"o rite".

On the flip side, work could never understand why I would ever need a day off to go to say, a family wedding or something:

Someone in a managerial position: *Looks at timetable for that day 6 months in the future, then exhales, not unlike a gas leak*:- "Sorry mate, Tits Mcgee has got that day off. Looks like it's a no go on that".

Me:- "But it's for a family wedding!... I really need it off!"

"Sorry. You'll have to talk to Tits Mcgee".

Tits Mcgee was not cooperative.

Number Three – The Double Edged Sword

Often, as a young person, working in retail is one of the few ways to get a foot in the door in the world of employment. The bizarre working hours and days mean that it's the only way you can have a job that doesn't interfere with your other educational commitments. If none of that applies to you but you choose to go full-time into retail, then you are a brave soul. Frustratingly, it's needed for the income it brings. It's easy enough to get into compared to other jobs especially during busy periods like Christmas-time, not that it's well paid though by any stretch. But again, as a young person that isn't as important because you don't really have a sense of money yet. I mean that in the sense of, yes- the wage is abysmal but you probably aren't paying all your own bills, a mortgage, car insurance etc just yet. My first wage at 16 years old was £3.71 an hour (this was in 2005) but that was the last thing on my mind – I had a job, I could buy shit. Of course, it usually went on food or games.

Those that do work in retail and love it (the shifts don't bother you, the endless tide of derp that is the human population doesn't bother you) then I applaud you. But that job is not for me. It's sometimes an easy trap to fall into - you think you'll just start there to get on the employment ladder, and then whoosh. Before you know it you're 35 and Cheryl's getting impatient in the queue because she wants to return her lacy underwear.

After having worked in retail and moved on, and I think I can say the same for anyone that has – you do cultivate an appreciation for the people left behind. You might be pissed off because there's an unexpected queue in McDonald's at 8:00pm on a Friday night, but spare a thought for the person behind the counter, I'm pretty sure they didn't ask to be bummed off onto the night shift.

Why I hate Buses

Well then, this is awkward.

Four years since I last made a post on this page (the featured post on the right), and for some reason unbeknownst to me, people are still reading it. My only post at that.

So it gave me an idea - why not Zoidb- I mean why not make a few more posts? Maybe even a series, so to speak. A weekly series in which I complain about the little irritants in life, even if it's just to get my blogging spark going again. Definitely overdue on that.

Okay, so without any further ado let's get straight into it. Buses. The word instantly conjures up memories of my teenage years, before I could learn to drive. I was at the whim of the 220 and 221 for many years before I was blessed with my Mini. What exactly is it about them that's so unbearable? In my eyes it boils down to the following five points:


1) Punctuality
Just to clear things up, this is the UK we're talking about. I only state this because my core demographic appears to be Australian teenagers if my viewing stats on my old blog are anything to go by. I have no idea what public transport is like over there. I can only assume it's better than the kind of crap we see on our roads - when they do turn up - ancient, bedraggled, spurting odd noises like an estranged relative that's turned up to your birthday party right before you announce the buffet's open.

You really have to hope that they turn up, too. There's a lot of places around here where once an hour is considered regular, if you miss it you're more fucked than Honey Boo Boo's mother on a treadmill. It arrives, either 10 minutes late or 10 minutes early, the doors open and the driver glares at you (I'll get onto that in a minute) like you've just killed his dog, and I pray that the bus doesn't shit itself and break down before it makes it to the city centre. Half the buses we have here are so old they would be considered classic if they were cars.



Okay, maybe not that old. But you get the picture.


2) The Drivers
So the bus arrives (assuming it doesn't sail past you despite the people stood at the bus stop), the doors creak open. The bus driver gives you a look that would have to be put through several washes and a mangle before it could be considered simply 'dirty'. How dare you embark upon his sacred kingdom of piss and newspapers and Lilt cans rolling around? If you dare to have anything other than the EXACT change well, you'd better hope you enjoy paper I-O-Us which you then have to take to the station to get your change. I guess it can be annoying from the driver's perspective if passenger after passenger gives you £10/£20 notes, but swings and roundabouts I guess. Maybe it shouldn't be so expensive.

Ok, I concede that nowadays you can have tickets on your phone, or the weekly/monthly passes and so forth. Imagine the perspective of someone that doesn't get buses that often. Like people who shop at Aldi for the first time and comically try to pack their £40 weekly shop on the till space of about 1 square foot all frantic-like, putting milk in their handbags and fruit on their head to get enough time to pay. The rest of us know that you're supposed to take it to the side and pack there. No one ever bothers to tell you though. We just stand there, in true British fashion, politely waiting. Then when it's our turn we share an eye-roll with the cashier. It's the same for buses. There should be a sign above the doors saying 'Warning: Bus Driver May Contain Traces of Sympathy'. 

Maybe i digressed a little there.

3) Careful, Now
The following picture is incidentally of a shop chain for which I used to work:


Of course, it didn't usually have a bus inside it. I think the driver just got lazy one morning and thought 'I can't be arsed getting out of the cockpit for my sandwich today'. Too often I remember sitting on the bus and holding on for dear life as the bus swerves around a corner, taking half the passengers off their seats and squashing the other half. I was always sat next to the weirdos when that happened. I remember one woman being pelted forward as the bus braked harshly to avoid a red light all like:



When it's not funny, it's terrifying. Those things can be deathtraps. It's quite sad when someone with a pram or crutches gets on and the driver sets off instantly, in his/her own little world, completely unaware of the chaos unraveling behind as people try to sit down on a moving vehicle.

4) The Passengers
Okay, why is it that someone always decides they want to reenact an episode of Eastenders when they get on the bus? Or sit next to you when the whole bus is empty? Or grossly misunderstand the concept of personal space? I mean, it's always a gamble when you get the bus but maybe I'm just particularly unlucky. Also, people that put their bags on empty seats on a busy bus grate me somewhat. You're obviously going to have to move it due to the line of 20 people waiting to get on, and yet Ralph Lauren is sat there, just waiting to be brushed aside. I like those moments.  

5) Everywhere Else Seems To Have It Better
I lived in Germany for a year. The public transport there is phenomenal. We once had blizzard-like conditions and it only delayed the bus by about five minutes (for which they apologised profusely for). Bullet trains in Japan. Underground metros in many, many cities abroad. And yet you see so many adverts here in the UK trying to entice people into using the bus.

"Go on, get the bus. Pleeeease".
"It's expensive. It's actually cheaper in some instances to drive".
"Well, okay, but what about using the bus to sit back and catch up with your mates?!?!".
"No one wants to be messaged at 07:45 in the morning".
"Oh. Hmm.  But isn't it nice and relaxing to be on a bus and not have to think about driving?!"
"No. No it isn't."


If you made it through all that, then well done. Have a sugar cube.

Why I hate Recruitment Agencies

Decided to make a one-off rant about recruitment agencies, purely because if I don't then I will strangle someone, and absolutely not because I am unemployed and have nothing better to do.


1) Their cold, dead, money-grabbing hands.
Recruitment is not about helping people. I know this because, in my eternal hunt for a job, I have come across numerous applications for them. I even once saw a recruitment agency recruiting a recruitment consultant for another recruitment agency. What? Recruitmentception? Are they incapable of finding one themselves? Doesn't that undermine the whole purpose of your company? Apparently not, but whatevs.

In fact some brazen Recruitment Agent applications have even stated that if you want to help people, you "needn't apply". Recruitment is a sales role. It's about cold calling people and companies. I can understand that it's a huge industry, and indeed brings in a lot of monies to the right people. In fact it's one of the jobs out there that almost exclusively rewards you for the effort you put into it. That sounds like a good thing, right? Maybe it is, but it's not so nice to be on the receiving end of a phone call at 8:00am or 7:30pm just because Joe Bloggs from Twat & Twattson Recruitment has decided to put a few extra hours in, and naturally assumes everyone else is fine with being called up at stupid hours. I wouldn't even mind if I thought it would be for a job that I'm actually suited to, but when I get called up about a placement in central Berkshire when I clearly state on everything I sign myself up for that I'd prefer to stay around the area I actually live, it gets a bit exhausting.

2) The phrase "An exciting opportunity has arisen..."
 Seriously. Get some new vocab. Open a thesaurus or something.


3) Chinese Whispers 
 On the rare occasion that something is actually suited to me, and I get an actual interview, I'd rather not have to wait three days so that a recruitment agency can attempt to contact whoever it is I'm actually applying with to find something out, to then have to relay it back to me. This often (in my case at least) leads to errors in communication, and would be solved a lot easier if I could just get to talk to the actual employer, whoever that is (I'll get onto that later). I once had an interview (which I failed) in which my feedback (given first to the recruitment agent, then from them to me) was actually nothing to do with anything that happened or was asked in the interview.

"Hello? Yeah, sorry you've been unsuccessful"

"Ah, okay. Any particular reason?"

"Yeah the guy said you could have related your skills to the job a bit more, apparently you were asked what your main achievement in life was and you said it was something involving a Butchers and a Library"

(Shortened, but this conversation did more or less actually happen. Anyone who knows me at all would probably guess that Butcher's and Libraries aren't exactly top on my list of "Greatest Achievement in my Life", and have in fact set foot in a Butcher's shop about twice in my entire life.)



4) "My client...."
Yeah, who is that exactly? It seems tradition for recruitment agencies to post as little information about a job as humanly possible on the advert, so without having Sherlock Holmes next to you you kinda have to guess for whom or what you are actually applying for. This can lead to problems when asked questions such as:

"Why do you want this job?"
"Why are you suitable for this role?"

What is this incapability of being able to tell you who you're applying for? It would certainly help me to improve an application if I have at least a vague idea of the company's core cultural values, or what the job even is.

5) Ruthless, Rude, and Inconsiderate
Now, this doesn't actually apply to all of them. I did in fact come across one recruitment agent who was the most polite and pleasant character I have met in my journey to finding a job, who seemed genuinely interested in getting me the role, was contacting me for updates, and was generally very helpful. The majority of others however, are 5-10 minute phone calls in which I get some questions barked at me and then hung up on before I can even find out what job they had in mind for me. The hang ups generally happen at those 8:00am calls, in which I get asked "is this a convenient time...?" I say yes, despite having been awake for a few seconds, and realise with a sinking feeling that I am in fact in no position to be trying to make myself sound employable.

If they really think ringing people up at that time and expecting people to have tailor made answers to questions relating to job roles which they probably barely know anything about in the first place, then recruitment agencies are obviously as stupid as they look, sound, act and are.

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned normal interview? Why does everything have to be done over the phone, in which you have absolutely no time to prepare yourself for it? I know that doesn't apply exclusively to recruitment agencies, but it's a major part. I'm sure it's a good way to grab out those who are gifted with being able to bullshit their way in and out of everything and answer every potential question perfectly. Dicks. Phone interviews would still be unpredictable and annoying even if they weren't retarded, which they are. (Sidenote: It would be a lot easier if I knew who was going to be ringing me, so I could do some research!)


6) "I'm ringing regarding the job you applied for..."
For people like me, desperately seeking a job so as to not look at Jeremy Kyle and briefly feel to be on the same social level as the people on it, we tend to apply for jobs. A lot of jobs in fact. So to get a call from someone whose name means nothing to you because you applied with ten different recruitment agencies, and then to be asked about "the job you applied for", please please please don't make me have to guess what job you're actually talking about. No, I am not going to ask which job you mean, because that would make me look incompetent and obviously unsuitable for whatever the job is. It's almost as bad as being asked "What are your hobbies?", which makes you quickly panic and start thinking:

"Hobbies? Oh shit, do I even have any? What do I do in my spare time? What do I even like? Oh god, WHO AM I?"

So you inevitably answer with the usual. "I like to socialise, go swimming in my spare time, and travel." Who doesn't like travelling? Just for shits and giggles I might one day answer "Nah, actually I'm quite fond of staying right where I am. Never like to be more than 20 feet away from the toaster, or the kettle". Incidentally, Miranda Hart's "Is it just me?" is quite a good read, and the above sentence was in fact lifted straight from it. Just thought I'd mention that to avoid being taken to court. You know how it is.

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So, there you have it. I feel a lot better now. Maybe now I can go job searching with renewed vigor, and perhaps veto recruitment agencies altogether. I guess that would be somewhat hard, especially if I do want to actually get a job. They're not that bad I guess, for the people they do actually succeed in finding jobs for. For myself, however, that success is still pending.

Kind Regards,
A Jobless Bum

Edit: As of 2013, I do indeed have a job now! And it wasn't through a recruitment agency! GET IN!